Homework From the Previous Week.

Time, stress and anxiety were the main causes of my failure to write a novel. Though, in all actuality, it probably had more to do with laziness and taking a cop out by blaming it on my workload. The sad part is, I outlined the entire story. I know what Io want to write and mostly how I want to write it.... though as I attempt again, its getting more and more difficult. Regardless, I couldn't continue. Maybe I feel like I should absorb more culture and points of inspiration from which I can draw- films, music, books, tv, art, photographs, nature...life? I'm not entirely sure. But then again, when would I write? Would I even be able to write? In short, I don't know.

Today I went to store. It was good. There were things I wanted. Mom said "NO!" I got sad. She bought me a ball. I now have a ball. It's blue. I don't like blue.

Breathe

I'm in a far less creative mood than I was but a few hours ago. So I've decided to write some song lyrics because I always find that soothing. Since essentially my day went from crappy to okay back to crappy to great and ending on crappy.

Breathe Me by Sia

Help, I have done it again.

I have been here many times before.

Hurt myself again today.

And the worst part is there's no one else to blame.

Be my friend.

Hold me. Wrap me up.

Unfold me. I am small. I'm needy.

Warm me up, and breathe me.

Ouch! I have lost myself again.

Lost, myself and I am no where to be found.

Yeah, I think that I might break.

Lost myself again and I feel unsafe.

Be my friend.

Hold me. Wrap me up.

Unfold me. I am small. I'm needy.

Warm me up, and breathe me.

Be my friend.

Hold me. Wrap me up.

Unfold me. I am small. I'm needy.

Warm me up, and breathe me...

In the morning it will be a brand new day and I'm hoping everything will come together the way it's supposed to... and by "supposed to," I mean the way I want it to.

Fun!

Computer Science is surprisingly very fun. I'm quite pleased with the way the course is going/what I'll be able to do in a semesters time.

Hell even in a months time. Its different. Definitely. But fun. I'm reminded of a line from legally blonde that goes something like, "this class will prepare

you to speak in a new language."

I find that incredibly true for CS since programming languages are so

different and their references/classes are in a backwards order than one would ordinarily suspect.

Basically its like reading right to left, while also reading left to right....so it's a bit confusing. Regardless, lab was really quite exciting today.

P.S. In honour of the fun I've been having later here's a wonderful number

by that group.

Masks

So I'm going to share the first page I have of the novel I attempted over the summer.. but would really like to finish one day. I didn't think it flowed well with the last post so I decided to make another, granted I could have waited a day, but I didn't because I'm simply in the mood to type.

Anyway, here it is:

Everything seems empty. Everything seems forced. It's a little unsettling to think about-the emptiness that is. It's interesting, though. The daily interactions between and amongst people, the "hello's" and "how are you's," the chats, the gossip, the yelling, the crying, the "i love you's" (which I've come to believe has lost all of its once sacred, special meaning because of its over use) and even the "goodbyes." Its hard to see honesty in anything anymore, even the salutations. These same things also seem forced, as though it it expected to be a certain way or do a certain thing and doing it for approval, as though we rely on everyone else to tell us who we are or what we are, for that matter. And then after that is gone, all we're left with is silence. Peaceful, serene, calming, lovely silence. That's why I read (or try to)- to get there sooner and keep the emptiness away for as long as possible. But where are my manners, I must introduce myself...shouldn't I? Or is that just another empty and forceful gesture that has lost all meaning too? I'm not sure, but I will tell you about myself, or rather who I think I am (the verdict is still out), since I already know so much about you. Or I don't. Regardless, I'm going to say i do. We all do it anyway.

So that's all I have so far.. that was what I accomplished in 3 months (though it actually only took me like 20 minutes to write). I'm hoping to extend it, add on and revise.. so that it can actually be something. Someday.

Current music mood: Poses by Rufus Wainwright :]

Fail

So, interestingly enough, I'm taking a Fiction class... at which I'm already sort of failing... Since this was supposed to have been done days ago...granted the site has been in existence previously, yet I've failed at updating... Therefore, there is some all around fail going on with me at the moment.

Well at the moment I'm really tired and stressed and excited and a whole slew of emotions. 1. Because I do too much and I over exert myself/unnecessarily make things more difficult then they have to be and freak about anything and everything and its sad. 2. I'm excited about life, though I'm stressed, I'm doing exactly what I want to be doing so there is no room for complaint. 3. I auditioned for A Capella groups which is just splendid because I think they went well....hopefully. And I'm really excited for this writing class simply because it gives me more of a reason/drive to write creatively and naturally and I can't put things off (anymore) and this, this makes me happy.

Dylan Thomas

And you, my father, there on the sad height,

Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.

Do not go gentle into that good night.

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

I Fail at Keeping a Blog

It's already at the end of February and I haven't posted on this site once during the entire month... which has now changed. I don't understand why I keep feeling the need to limit myself. I wanted to change direction of this blog, but why does a blog need direction? Why can't it just be a form of expression and communication, you know, as it was meant to be. My new goal is to try and post at least three times a week, whether that's with photos, poems, stories, random rants, or anything else I feel like, the end result will always be amazing because it will be an extension of myself and my thoughts. So for now lets say that I've found new motivation and insight and I plan on letting them take me where they will.