Things

This posting everyday thing is quite challenging...thusly I've been failing...again. However, I have just finalized my schedule (thank the universe for working in my favor) and I will be able to focus much more time on the act of writing than I was previously able to.

I think I'm going to try to make multiple posts everyday to make up for my lack of posting... We'll see how that goes.

Skewing completely away from classes we have the fact that there are a handful of people that I'm slightly crushing on/who could be potential love interests/ this is absolutely amazing because it never happens.

Hmm. I also need to skype my best friend and set aside a time when I can go see her or she can come see me or we can do something together somewhere and just be reunited. this would make me extremely happy.

Oh. & my sister is coming to visit me sometime in the next two weeks!! :D

Fuck yeah!

& even bigger news...is still to come. I would really like to talk about it, but I've been sworn to secrecy... even from my blog.

Masks part 2

So I continued writing my story/ hopefully one day a novel. I'm not sure how I feel about it. It will need a lot more work.. but its interesting.... I think.

To begin, I'll say I live in London. In a flat in London, actually. I'm not British. Though I wish I were. Maybe then I wouldn't be so lonely, if that make any sense at all. Oh my, look at me ramble. I truly am sorry for that.

My flat is decently sized; more than enough space for me and my library. I'm hoping that will change soon, in all aspects imaginable. Oh, my. It's started raining again, granted there's no surprise- it's London. I haven't left my flat in three days. Not because I haven't wanted to or haven't had places to go, but I don't quite know how to leave or why I should...even for important things, like food.

I've been feeling lost lately and I hope that you'll deal with that, though I feel it rude to impose this on you. But, if you continue to read then you are in effect offering your consent and I no longer have a need to feel guilty. I no longer feel guilty. Forgive me for that, if you must. or don't. But please continue to read. It's imperative that I get this out and get it out to you. Yet I concede that regardless of whether or not you continue to read, this is already in print, so it is already out of me. This should then make me feel better. It should be cathartic. It should be freeing. But its the shoulds that screw everything up. Because this act of writing. This act of writing to you is changing me, and changing our relationship with every stroke that flows from my pen. Where was this going?

I've gotten lost in the process of writing that I really don't know where I am. But this, this is far more comfortable-dealing with the loss of self control rather than the loss of self. Back to the flat. My bedspread is in disarray, it's a chocolate/taupe color, surrounded by victorian blue sheets and pillow cases. I don't actually know the name of the blue, but I'll let you decide the shade from my description. My couch is in the corner. It's the most lonely shade of grey. I find it funny that I still own a couch I never use; a couch I got for friends that never see me. Is this ie root of my loneliness? Could it really be that simple? Should I just get rid of the couch? Should I blame the couch. Should I blame my friends? Should I blame myself or should I even blame at all? Because, really, what's the point? It doesn't change anything. This is why I hate writing...that's a lie. I love writing. I just prefer reading. It takes my mind somewhere else, where I don't have to think about things like this, at least until I stop reading... and then, all the thoughts I should've had come flooding to me. Like a dam that's just been broken.

Homework From the Previous Week.

Time, stress and anxiety were the main causes of my failure to write a novel. Though, in all actuality, it probably had more to do with laziness and taking a cop out by blaming it on my workload. The sad part is, I outlined the entire story. I know what Io want to write and mostly how I want to write it.... though as I attempt again, its getting more and more difficult. Regardless, I couldn't continue. Maybe I feel like I should absorb more culture and points of inspiration from which I can draw- films, music, books, tv, art, photographs, nature...life? I'm not entirely sure. But then again, when would I write? Would I even be able to write? In short, I don't know.

Today I went to store. It was good. There were things I wanted. Mom said "NO!" I got sad. She bought me a ball. I now have a ball. It's blue. I don't like blue.

Breathe

I'm in a far less creative mood than I was but a few hours ago. So I've decided to write some song lyrics because I always find that soothing. Since essentially my day went from crappy to okay back to crappy to great and ending on crappy.

Breathe Me by Sia

Help, I have done it again.

I have been here many times before.

Hurt myself again today.

And the worst part is there's no one else to blame.

Be my friend.

Hold me. Wrap me up.

Unfold me. I am small. I'm needy.

Warm me up, and breathe me.

Ouch! I have lost myself again.

Lost, myself and I am no where to be found.

Yeah, I think that I might break.

Lost myself again and I feel unsafe.

Be my friend.

Hold me. Wrap me up.

Unfold me. I am small. I'm needy.

Warm me up, and breathe me.

Be my friend.

Hold me. Wrap me up.

Unfold me. I am small. I'm needy.

Warm me up, and breathe me...

In the morning it will be a brand new day and I'm hoping everything will come together the way it's supposed to... and by "supposed to," I mean the way I want it to.

Fun!

Computer Science is surprisingly very fun. I'm quite pleased with the way the course is going/what I'll be able to do in a semesters time.

Hell even in a months time. Its different. Definitely. But fun. I'm reminded of a line from legally blonde that goes something like, "this class will prepare

you to speak in a new language."

I find that incredibly true for CS since programming languages are so

different and their references/classes are in a backwards order than one would ordinarily suspect.

Basically its like reading right to left, while also reading left to right....so it's a bit confusing. Regardless, lab was really quite exciting today.

P.S. In honour of the fun I've been having later here's a wonderful number

by that group.

Masks

So I'm going to share the first page I have of the novel I attempted over the summer.. but would really like to finish one day. I didn't think it flowed well with the last post so I decided to make another, granted I could have waited a day, but I didn't because I'm simply in the mood to type.

Anyway, here it is:

Everything seems empty. Everything seems forced. It's a little unsettling to think about-the emptiness that is. It's interesting, though. The daily interactions between and amongst people, the "hello's" and "how are you's," the chats, the gossip, the yelling, the crying, the "i love you's" (which I've come to believe has lost all of its once sacred, special meaning because of its over use) and even the "goodbyes." Its hard to see honesty in anything anymore, even the salutations. These same things also seem forced, as though it it expected to be a certain way or do a certain thing and doing it for approval, as though we rely on everyone else to tell us who we are or what we are, for that matter. And then after that is gone, all we're left with is silence. Peaceful, serene, calming, lovely silence. That's why I read (or try to)- to get there sooner and keep the emptiness away for as long as possible. But where are my manners, I must introduce myself...shouldn't I? Or is that just another empty and forceful gesture that has lost all meaning too? I'm not sure, but I will tell you about myself, or rather who I think I am (the verdict is still out), since I already know so much about you. Or I don't. Regardless, I'm going to say i do. We all do it anyway.

So that's all I have so far.. that was what I accomplished in 3 months (though it actually only took me like 20 minutes to write). I'm hoping to extend it, add on and revise.. so that it can actually be something. Someday.

Current music mood: Poses by Rufus Wainwright :]

Fail

So, interestingly enough, I'm taking a Fiction class... at which I'm already sort of failing... Since this was supposed to have been done days ago...granted the site has been in existence previously, yet I've failed at updating... Therefore, there is some all around fail going on with me at the moment.

Well at the moment I'm really tired and stressed and excited and a whole slew of emotions. 1. Because I do too much and I over exert myself/unnecessarily make things more difficult then they have to be and freak about anything and everything and its sad. 2. I'm excited about life, though I'm stressed, I'm doing exactly what I want to be doing so there is no room for complaint. 3. I auditioned for A Capella groups which is just splendid because I think they went well....hopefully. And I'm really excited for this writing class simply because it gives me more of a reason/drive to write creatively and naturally and I can't put things off (anymore) and this, this makes me happy.