Listen to the whispers and obey them.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Writing these papers will be the death of me.
I keep thinking that I just need to get it done. I just need to accomplish it. It doesn't have to be good, it just has to be out of me. It just has to get down on paper. I'll fix it later. I'm good at fixing things, sometimes. It's not getting down on paper. It's not getting anywhere because I'm not getting anywhere. Why is everything so forced? I'm tired of forcing this out of me. I'm tired.
Dear Anthony,
It's been a while. I find myself thinking about you often and much. We've had years apart and its so much time wasted. So much time without your friendship and companionship. I don't want to remember you with bitterness, only the kindness I know is in your heart. I remember our first conversation. You hated me. I hated me. It's okay that you hated me. I guess what I'm trying to say is what I've always been trying to say. I'm sorry. I was pathetic and arrogant. I was selfish and unkind. I was everything that I'm not. I called for feelings that I don't have.
It's been years and in that time I've become so much more. I've lost a lot of who I was. I'm proud of that. I used to be so accomplished. I suppose I still hold that, but it doesn't matter anymore. I've lost everything and I'm picking the pieces back up again. It's not a bad thing. It's not a bad thing at all.
You've been trying to figure yourself out. I respect that. It's been a similar journey on this end. On this coast.
Do you remember our TV show phone calls?
I do.
It's what I think about the most.
I guess I'll be seeing you soon. I hope I'll be seeing you soon.
This isn't supposed to be anything special. This was never anything special. I was never anything special. I'm sorry if I've taken up more time than you would have liked for my non-sense.
It seems to be all I'm good at these days.
I hope you play Damien Rice and think of me.
I want to run into a bee-hive and lounge in the honey. I want to be a part of the sunshine. I want to create the moon. I want dominion over the waves. I want to eat my weight in happiness. I want to dance on books. I want tables to dance on me. I want a tipsy-topsy-tervy kind of world. I want to move in and around time. I want all the things I already have.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Cigarette's & Chocolate Milk
He danced in circles, round and round. Feeling the blood rush through his body. Wanting to make the blood feel like it was gushing out of his body. He swayed with the rhythm. His body frantic. His muscles flailing. He spent his nights this way. Sweating. Drinking. Dancing. & dancing. & dancing. Everyone was dancing. & nothing could tough him then.
He left with everyone.
For a leader, he followed often. He took interest in their activities and in doing so took a few drags from the lit cigarette's. He held the smoke in his lungs. He felt like a summer night. A camp fire. A light burning brightly in the darkness. It felt right. For once something felt right. Something besides dancing. Something felt right. It lifted him. He weighed the consequences. He weighed them and it strained him. It broke him.
It was a joy of life. A deadly habit that him feel all the more alive. Isn't that always the way? Things that make you feel the most alive are the things meant to kill you. You always want what you can't have. You dream of something better, but don't realize what you have in front of you until it's gone. Isn't that always the way?
Warhol said that "life is just a series of images that change as they repeat themselves." This carries a lot of truth. What he left out was that the series is masochistic in nature. Maybe he found it too obvious to share? Maybe it eluded him?
Maybe is just a word that slays you.
Losing the feeling of feeling unique
I'm Swell.
It's pandering.
Genius or a lunatic.... Don't they go hand-in-hand?
Kinsey 5
I want my life to be like an 80's movie.
"Things have changed for me. & that's okay. I feel the same. I'm on my way..."
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Plan
I really fucked it up this time.
Tonight-
English Essays
Friday-
Study for English Final
Do Calculus Problems
Write
Do Psych
Saturday-
Read/start catching up for English Final. Read 1 of the books. Make way through the others.
Sunday-
Go to work
Study for English
Do Calculus problem sets
Monday-
Calculus
Psych
Work
Study for English and Calculus
Write
Tuesday-
Read for English
Go to Showcase for kids
Do Calculus
Go to Calc Section/Review
Do more calc
Read for English
Write
Wednesday
Study for English
Thursday
Take English Final
Study for Calculus.
-Make sure I can do all of the problems. Be prepared to excel on the final.
Fiction
Study for Calculus
Friday
Study for Calculus
Take Final
Work on Semantic Field Project
Study for Psych
Saturday
Study for Psych
Do some SFP
Sunday
Work
Study for Psych
Monday
Psych Final
- Need to get a perfect score
Work on SFP
See how I did in my other classes
Go out & celebrate
Tuesday
Finish work on Semantic Field Project
-Submit it
Go to work
Wednesday
Have fun! Enjoy my last day at Brown
Talk to all of my professors. Make sure I'm going to pass/excel in all of my classes.
Pack
Thursday
Fly home
John Donne
& new philosophy calls all in doubt,
the element of fire is quite put out;
the sun is loft and th'earth, and no mans wit
can well direct him where to look for it...
'tis all in pieces, all coherence gone;
all just supply, and all Relation
Lyricisms
"You'll never be what is in your heart"
"Fixing all the problems you made in your own head"
"I'm wrong in all the right ways"
"You learn"
"My name is my virtue"
"I've seen enough of my friends in the depths of the g-d sick blues"
"My love's too big for you my love"
"You can't hurt me with the things that you do, I'll pick up dandelions and I'll give them to you"
Continuing Aiden's Story
Flipping though the channels, lounging on her bed, Sarah came across her mothers film. The tall, leggy, brunette walks through a hotel lobby in a gorgeous black cocktail dress, her hair done up, pearls hanging from her neck and ears. Her body elegant, her movements graceful. "Can you direct me to the bar?" She asks the concierge. Sarah kept flipping through the channels. That was the first time she'd seen her mother in four years. It was through a television screen. Fitting. An absent mother, and absent medium. 10 O'Clock news was on channel 7. NBC. The only news source she trusted. Important for her. "Trust is necessary for life," seemed to be the only thing she lived by.
A car crash killed 20. A truck over-turned on the freeway blocking traffic for hours and causing a few minor collisions. A man has been shrieking in the park for the past two hours....
Purification
There is a bench, between the Thames and the Tower of London, where one can witness the full beauty of the London Bridge. It is the essence of the word "bucolic." It holds the secrets of the universe. The truth's of mankind. It stores the knowledge of the human condition. Conrad would be proud. The (wo)man that witnesses this, at that time, is the universal genius. Thoughts are still. Breath is quiet. Life stands on end. The river ebbs and flows, bringing one in and out of consciousness. In and out of life. In and out of everything. You leave purified.
Class 12/2
"So....This is Kurt Vonnegut."
"Oh you fancy huh?"
"I want this vessel when it's done."
"I don't have a mouth"
"Writing is not narcissism."
~The Paris Review~
Stop saying "like"
Verbal fillers are not cool. They're annoying.
Olive skin
"Be happy"
"Crazy is just a minority of one"
"Is life a puzzle?..I am filled with questions."
"In a dream, are all the characters you? Different aspects of you?"
- This is what I wonder about characters in stories or writing... I feel like every character I make is me. Just a different part of me. I know many writers who say that their characters are based off of other people, like their friends...But I always wonder if the character is actually based on the author, or the part of the author that is most like the friend??
I think that makes sense.
"I understand many things because of the woods."
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Things That Have Been Inspiring Me
I may not be getting that much work done. But these things make me want to:
I must say. These are pretty awesome.
Some things
& there are some things I'll never understand:
why this country needs a g-d or a woman needs a man.
Bleh
She wasn't aware of her current situation. Belle was never aware of anything. She lived in her head. Not necessarily a bad thing, for that type. A woman of strong ideals, morals and courage living in a hostile environment where her talents were never free to flourish. She lived in books. She kept herself occupied, busy. She kept her mind free, open. Her mother often worried about her state. Less so as a child, but in her womanhood, without a courter, without an admirer, without a supporter. How could a mother not worry? Of course her daughter would need a provider. It was custom. A woman's place was in the home. How could her daughter ever find herself a goodman if she never sought one?
... I don't really like this. I just decided I should start writing. Jane Eyre and Pride & Prejudice came to mind and I went from there. I need to work on setting. I'm never quite there.
Audre Lorde
"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
