There's far too much for me to complete in the next week that I simply don't have the time for. I can't focus on anything but these things. I can't go out. I can't really have any fun until I'm done with everything. This is of the up most importance.
I wish I could write more fiction. It's why I took this class. I wish I had the time to devout myself fully to writing and reading (for fun), but I don't. I think that would make me happiest. I don't know what would make me happiest. I wish I knew what would make me happiest. I wish I knew anything. I wish I wasn't so afraid to fail. I wish I could stop wishing, but it seems to be the only thing I'm good at.
I failed another quiz for my Antro class. Which is just what I need. I really need to talk to him. I really need to work my ass of for the class. I really need to stay in every night and just do work. I need to draw back and not be so social. I have opportunities that I let go to waste for friends that I might not see after I graduate. I'm afraid I'm letting everything go to waste. I'm afraid.
I have to get back to work. I have to start and finish an assignment I didn't know I had. I have to read 3 books in 8 hours. I have to do a problem set. I have so much that I just can't do. I have so much that I wish I could do. I have so much.
Perhaps I should take a semester off? I've been thinking about it a lot lately. Taking time for myself. Taking time to figure out what I want. Taking time to enjoy my life instead of feeling as though I'm wasting it away. I fucked up my freshman year. I fucked it up hard. I can't do that this year. I can't let everything pass me by. I have to use my time wisely. I have to dedicate myself fully. I can't bull shit this. I know that grades aren't the most important thing. I know that they don't determine how intelligent you are. But they do correlate very well to work ethic and at the end of the day having a great work ethic is extremely important. If I want to do anything with my life, I have to be able to show that I have that sort of work ethic instead of me being incredibly involved, but lazy towards things that are considered to actually matter.
My parents just want me to pass. I want that too. But I want to excel. I want to prove to myself that I can do that. I want so much. I want too much. Is that such a bad thing? Is it a terrible thing to want? To crave? I'm certain that it's not. Though the guilt penetrates my conscious, it penetrates my bone, it sits at the very core of me for wanting so much for me wanting more privilege when so many have none, when so many can't want because they need.
I'm a selfish person. This place makes me feel like a selfish person. I went away for the weekend and I felt like myself. I felt loved. I felt normal. I haven't felt that here in a while. I've felt detached and hurt. I've felt pathetic. I'm ending that now.
"[I'll crawl back into bed to dream of a time when my heart was open wide, and I loved things just because, like the sick and the dying. And sometimes when I'm on, I'm really fucking on and my friends they sing along and they love me... But the lows are so extreme that the good seems fucking cheap and it teases me for weeks in its absence. But I'll fight and I'll make it through, I'll fake it if I have to and I'll show up to work with a smile. I'll be better and I'll be smarter and more grown up and a better son and a real good friend. I''ll be awake, I'll be alert, I'll be positive though it hurts and I'll laugh and embrace all my friends. I'll be a real good listener. I'll be honest, I'll be brave, I'll be handsome and I'll be beautiful. I'll be happy.]"
- A reworking of some Rilo Kiley lyrics.
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